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Drunken Stories

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Shakes on a plane [Oct. 7th, 2009|07:31 am]
Drunken Stories

(Crossposted a little)


I will be on another long-haul flight on Wednesday,and so I am starting my new LJ journal life by sharing with you my philosophy of on-board alcohol consumption.

There are those who say no to drinking in the air. Even at this early stage in our relationship I suspect you'll guess I am not of their number. Really, when you're contemplating 8 or more hours of airtime, a pop or seven is pretty essential.

In the good old days they understood the need of a man (or woman who could hold her own in the hostelry) for a bottle of scotch and a steak, and 20 full strength ciggies when crossing the Atlantic. For fuck's sake, even Amelia Earhart was on the double vodkas and red marlboros the second the chocks were away. (Probably.)

Which makes it harsh that nowadays they will barely even let you on a plane if they think you've had a few, and certainly won't if they think you're planning on having a few more. Sure, there's a miniature or two in it for you, if you can wait for the trolley to make its murderously slow progress to your aisle. But you just try going for a third! And two is hardly enough to inebriate a capuchin monkey.

There's only one solution. You've got to drink your own. But at the same time you can't get caught. Here's what I do:

When I arrive at Pearson Airport (or wherever I happen to be embarking from), as soon as I can I go straight to the duty-free shop. I buy 2 litre bottles of scotch. Bell's if I can get it, otherwise Whyte & Mackay or J&B. I then go to the magazine shop and buy two half-litre bottles of coke. I bear my booty to the bathroom. I find a vacant cubicle and lock myself in. I open both the cokes. I tip out a  third of the contents into the toilet in each case. I fill the coke bottles with as much scotch as possible. This comes to approximately 1/3 of a litre. I screw the lids back on to all the bottles. I turn the coke bottles gently to and fro, to mix the scotch and coke. I stow the scotch safely away in my carry-on luggage. I'm ready to rock and roll.

My cocktails (I call them 'coke bombs') look just like straight coke. I take endless nips, getting first pleasantly glowy, then extremely drunk. If anyone smells it on my breath, they probably don't guess what I'm up to. They'll think I just stopped for a couple of at the departure lounge bar, which is 'allowed'. I am usually passed out for the duration of the flight long before I've finished my coke bombs, or even got into a movie. Luckily I am also usually still toasted when I wake up and disembark, enjoying the last part of the journey in a blissful delayed alcoholic haze.

I like spirits when I have to do stuff, since I generally manage to remain relatively articulate and capable - until I pass out that is. No one has ever called me for being a drunk on a plane. Although, now I come to think of it, one girl did reseat herself somewhat abruptly after I plonked myself down next to her. Maybe she just can't stand devastatingly handsome Englishmen with a hint of grey at the temples? These are deep waters. I'll just mix myself another while I sit and contemplate the mysteries of the universe, and muse pleasantly on this and that.
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My, but it's quiet in here. [Dec. 1st, 2006|09:08 pm]
Drunken Stories

[Current Mood |drinky]

So, it's been a while, friends and neighbours, but I felt it was time, again, to tell a story.

You see, I have this problem, and I think it makes me a snob, but here we are, in and no one tells stories. Oh, there's recollections of incidents, but "I went out and got loaded and we all threw up", that's not a story. A story, well, a story grabs you, doesn't it? It suspends your disbelief, and it takes you along for the ride. It attaches you to the participents and makes you think, "Man, I wish I'd been there!".

I will attempt to tell you a story. But first, the set-up.

I'm not young anymore, unfortunately. At thirty-three, I've had good, good years, and good, good stories. I have loved booze through all of it, well, since I was about sixteen, anyways. Half my life, drinking and eventually, you gotta have some stories.

Things tend to happen at unlikely timesCollapse )

Stories are a great thing! Hey! You made it!

It should be noted that we were so drunk some of the details may be skewed. Also, I may have embellished some of the details. Like the level at which we were able to form complete, coherent sentences. And the entirity of any "verbatim" dialogue. But that's ok, because the feeling is there, the spirit of the night is conveyed, and I'm happy with that.
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WATCH IT!!! [Aug. 27th, 2005|08:14 pm]
Drunken Stories
[Current Mood |energeticenergetic]

Related because it's funny and concerns alcohol :)

http://www3.wp.tuborg.dk/kampagner/classic/ (press "Start Film" in the right corner)

Simply because it's one of the coolest commercials ever made and a damn good beer :)

The translation: "Tuborg Classic - Extraordinarily different"
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A question: [Jul. 31st, 2005|12:12 am]
Drunken Stories

Ok, I'm loaded right now, and that's fair enough.

But, this is a drunken_stories right, heavy on the stories?

So, why, oh why, does everyone post "oh, I did this, and we drank that, and I was so drunk, LOLOLOLOL"?

That's not a story. Post a STORY!!

I tried to write a few, and I gotta get to a few more, but, guys, stretch your legs, a little. Embellish. Shit, Lie for all I care, but tell STORY, rather than this AOL crap that seems to pass for real life.

Please. I want to hear your stories. I give you mine, give me some of yours. Tell me your stories, make me CARE about them.

Just sayin'.

No 'fense. I've been sitting on the end of a dock for 14 hours, and I've drunk 22 beers. Do the math. But, really, tell me a FUCKING STORY, not this "I did, and they did" bull.

Stories. Tell a tale, shame the devil.
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(no subject) [Jun. 6th, 2005|09:03 pm]
Drunken Stories
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

So I turned 18 last week and i personally thought it sucked cause a lot of things didn't turn out the way i wanted them too..annnnywaaays, my friend took me to a huge party on friday night with tons of people who went to my school. before i went i had taken 3 shots of bacardi so when i arrived i was feeling happy and in love with everyone...i basically ended up taking a shot with everyone there..long party short.. i was beyone wasted and pissed at everyone cause they werent as drunk as me so i decided(being the balls-to-the-wall drunk that i am) to walk home. at one point i remember laying down in the road..but eventually i woke up in my room..my clothes were drenched (it had been raining) ..i didn't have my shoes ( i ran/walked about 5 miles home..barefoot ) .. i didn't have my purse..my cell..or my jacket. pretty bad huh?
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Found this Bar in Hong Kong. [Jun. 4th, 2005|08:58 pm]
Drunken Stories

[Current Mood |drunkdrunk]

Our lager, which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
They will be drunk, I will be drunk.
At home as in the pub.

Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the spirit, and the lager.
Forever and ever.

“Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life” - Michelle Mastrolacasa –

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day” – Frank Sinatra –

I got all this from a bar in Hong Kong. The bar is called the ‘Devils Advocate’ it’s a good place to go get drunk or what not.
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(no subject) [Jun. 1st, 2005|10:54 pm]
Drunken Stories

[Current Mood |mellowmellow]

drinking promotes freedom of speech.
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2005|08:36 pm]
Drunken Stories

[Current Mood |hothot]
[Current Music |daft punk]

i think it was about two weekends ago that i was at this bonfire. i had to many fruity drinks mixed with some whisky.... at least thats what i think it was. well anyway i started throwing up and then this guy takes my jacket off (and its really cold outside) then he takes me to his car and tells me to lay down in the backseat and go to sleep. oh and in case you are thinking he raped me that isn't the case. well i tell him i'm cold so he takes all these dirty clothes of his and throws them on me. someone else came over and put a pair of nasty underwear on my head. well i was too out of it to take them off so they kind of stayed there for a bit. so basically i was sitting there all night with the door open puking when necessary and smelling something really bad on me. yeah thats all i remember.
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(no subject) [Apr. 6th, 2005|05:08 am]
Drunken Stories
Hello. My name is Jon and I'm an alcoholic.
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(no subject) [Mar. 13th, 2005|06:47 pm]
Drunken Stories

Um I drank so much last night it wasnt even funny. I drank more than i ever had. How much was it? I couldnt tell you, i just kept borring more and more vodka into the redbull can, it made me feel like less of an alcoholic lol. Um I think i was fully soberified at 2 this afternoon. here is a funny quote about last night from my friends journal:
"so yeah. came home. vix passed out. then woke up and puked in my bathroom. i was watching the poltergeist tripping out about it cause it was sooo fake looking but so crazy and i was soooo comfy and then she didnt come back from the bathroom for like 20 minutes. iwas like goddamnit. haha so i had to get out of my nice warm comfy bed and rescue her. yeah she had puked and then passed out on the toilet. hahaha. and she still looked hot. how does that happen?"

Hey that toilet was damn comfey lemme tell ya.
At one point she was standing in front of me, so i was like hey ill hit her so i hit her across the crotch, she screamed and slapped me in the face, and i fell over and thought it was the funniest fucking thing ever. I bet that hurt a lot. I got carried down the stairs a couple of times. I wonder who put my pants back on me for me.
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